daily cafe.

what do you want?

i really dont know.

it's been a while.

shopping trips.

and heart to hearts.

this sounds similar.

photography.

and simple light.

glass shapes.

amuse.

and confuse the contortion.

talking more.

and no, i don't need to calm down.

thank you though.

moving on.

hah kind of.

gu day.

don't follow their orders.

fall asleep on the lawn.

curl up.

large heavy drinks.

this is what they were talking about.

hemingway that is.

blue popsicles.

and glue work.

water guns.

and running around.

listening to hendrix and hanson.

it's an odd mix i know.

smoke life.

light me.

and make sure to throw it away.

bubble fun.

rave of sorts.

jumping up and down.

and connect again.

or maybe for the first time.

don't ridicule me.

and stop with this ridiculous front.

i'm too tired to actually deal with it.

although i would have.

were this years ago.

90s inspiration do's.

shop out.

oh yes. indeed.

stalking sightings.

jumping around.

in nothing but undergarments.

don't castigate.

orgulloso.

so many things to wish.

but things won't change overnight.

i wish you were here though.

and we had the perfect understanding.

because i keep falling off the bed.

and you aren't there to catch me.

maybe you are wrong.

i'm all so confused.

rushed decisions.

and questions answered.

hotel loveliness.

mirrored walls.

and red throws.

please let me relax.

in the crystal room.

it's only the beginning.

oh yes.

quote me.

you can't say that i'm not completely open.

and expressive.

your fed up.

i know.

i would be too if i dealt with me.

so heres the good news.

the resolutions.

the days of passing.

the essence will remain.

detoxify the negative.

emerge yourself in positive energies.

you think it's just bullshit.

but i don't.

i can't.

there is only one thing for me to do.

and that is quite clear.

so i shall say.

figure our your situations.

if they aren't working then let them go.

but realize how much they were worth.

be proud of your morality.

don't be intimidated.

its not a weakness on your part.

it just happens to be a belief.

say what you mean.

immerse yourself in what you love.

and the ones around you.

relax and smile and be free.

don't pretend your fine.

when your not.

it's not fair to you.

focus.

and don't deter.

recognize the ability and the strengths.

and the weaknesses.

stand up and speak up.

connect with the world.

and not in the superficial way we do.

expectations. do they lead to disappointment?

always?

good people.

bad people.

i don't really know which are which anymore.

its a conservative turning of stone.

a reason to justify what i mean.

and say what arises.

worth is relative.

you do not carry negative weight.

truelife:i'm rebecca

i forgot all the good things.

because there is a silver line somewhere.

im not really sure why silver.

morning travel work.

and disconnect.

fun.

lets go out.

and shop.

sparkly leaves.

they match the other.

i'll take it.

brunch.

and calories galore.

but so deliciously good.

and probably not kosher.

talk.

of everything.

the everyday.

i'm glad i'm talking to someone.

cupcake time.

i dig the paintings.

and the cupcake of doom.

where to go next.

let's head to the closet.

and stare.

at the possibilities.

of expression.

this has become frivolous.

out again.

enjoy the company.

and the rhetoric.

although lets face it.

i interpret it all differently.

there's no refuting that.

political severity.

and difference in opinion.

plate of deliciousness.

thank you.

for all.

thunder mornings.

it's beautiful.

a great sign.

mesh of shape.

and an unexpected calling upon.

you just manage to push it.

and i still am ridden.

mistrusted intention.

why is this happening?

lists of to do's.

a major one this time.

it's all quite simple really.

you don't want to be in this head.

it's far too complicated up there.

the reds and the blues are connected incorrectly.

open your eyes.

and look at your space.

more lists.

but this of aspirations and importance.

a life boundless.

enough with pursuing.

especially that which i do not care for.

let's be honest.

you are not it.

edit. an hour later.

uncensor.

and just unleash what you mean to say.

i don't belong here.

in the sense of the place.

it's not undeserved.

just not right at the time.

but i've felt like this quite a bit.

everywhere i am.

insecurity and intimidation.

i got over it. and that is whats strong.

this is still weak.

i'm not jealous of you. or them.

i like my alone space.

and my close friends.

and that my family and home are closest.

to my heart.

so no.

i will find what i want eventually.

but for you to think that its what you have.

is wrong.

count and count and count.

until the number gets too low.

i really could use a better person.

as a friend than you.

but i probably could be better too.

i'm not gonna lie.

lets be honest

you disapprove.

you are kinda disappointed.

or maybe you just aren't at all.

i really try not to care.

i don't have my own identity here.

do i really anywhere?

all i can think about.

it really shouldn't be like this after so long.

i will make it up somehow.

i have thoughts.

of options which i dont wish to be explored.

its just the feeling.

the situation that i yearn for.

and yet the other that i dread the most.

anticipation is a trap.

and i just wish i could get it over with.

and just have the life already.

there is so much inside.

that i will never tell you.

because you won't agree.

you just won't understand.

and you don't get it. obviously.

do i wish you would though?

i'm really not all that sure.

you make me feel uneasy.

we are not great friends.

were we ever?

when did this all occur?

i need some time away.

just to stop listening to the whirlwind.

of words and color.

we have such different backgrounds.

and thoughts.

and beliefs.

and values.

and i dont see how they mesh.

but im not discounting you for it.

but then again i am.

so good.

we are in agreement.

i really should just stop this neuroticism.

its not doing me any good.

i hope one day it actually will.

Being There.

okay,

theres certainly a lot i could say.

about the week.

its mostly just chatter.

and id rather show some focus.

for once.

although it probably won't happen.

long days.

i can't even remember.

children everywhere.

flowers abloom.

i just want to press them.

and send you a book.

but i can't bring myself to it.

tension.

not only within.

it's all around.

let's face it.

and just when you say.

what more could go wrong?

there it goes.

comforting space.

not so much anymore.

it feels like those first weeks.

no one and nothing.

its just not present.

and neither am i really.

dramatic lights.

and blatant sexuality.

duh thats the one.

how stupid do you really think i am.

90s greatness.

why am i so obsessed with the decade.

i should be like in the 50s.

with my aprons and pot roast.

or a hippie child.

i wonder if i would have approved then.

dreams of the underground.

which is probably around the corner.

your life is impossible for me.

automatic response to everything.

fine is really not what i think it means.

break down.

crack your egg again.

at least it wasn't that bad this time.

embarrassing comfort.

and frustrated tears.

i just don't really know.

peaceful fountain.

which only reminds me of water parks.

and fiesta texas days.

but thats not even really around anymore.

hours of reading.

and understanding theres someone out there.

its true. there is.

relay.

its a good thing.

i can build a tent better than you.

well maybe.

ive never seen you in a tent not even in my mind.

the scent drives me crazy.

it only reminds me of these recurring memories.

why am i so tuned like this?

i dont think its fair.

flip over.

and just leave.

you understand i know you do.

or at least i tell myself that.

i really wish i could tell you the truth.

all of it.

but i dont think i can bring myself to say it.

lists upon lists.

words compounded like theres no tomorrow.

i can't wait to see you again.

i don't know that person.

i've never met her before.

sad. mad. dad. lad. pad. fad. gad. had. the list goes on.

how pathetic.

all i want is a white cylinder.

of smoke filled disgust.

my life is like the arrows.

you can't not enter, and turn right, and go diagonal all at the same point.

its just not possible.

cringe of orange.

i miss the old format.

maybe i've lost it.

blog wars.

oh, bring it!

hah.

i love you!

even if all you will say is thank you.

morning secrets.

always great.

day of writing and work.

and potomac scenes.

and people whirling around.

i just want to bake cookies.

and leave them in the quiet room.

with a note that says 'enjoy'

i may just do such thing.

oh crap there is a lot to do today.

i've just remembered it.

wheres my phone?

oh, im talking on it.

early mornings.

that's not a great sign.

shoes with bows.

last good day.

that i can remember.

bagel and coffee.

delicious fudge.

cut away.

90s tunes.

they brighten my day.

choose your direction.

and stick to it.

maybe i should do that.

aching wrists.

dark reflection.

i miss the days.

of thick black velvet.

and leopard prints.

and saddle pants.

and jellies.

and everything else.

i've traded it all in.

for something hopefully.

more appropriate.

i live in this space now.

its my corner.

of the world.

ive paid a hefty price for it.

but it was all worth it.

professor from hell.

ugh.

your still on my mind.

i better get to.

and by the way,

they speak a lot of languages in the scandinavia region.

wiki-enlightenment.

how fun.

setting shop in a new paradise.

it's been a week.

i apologize.

"new directions."

still perplexing me.

you did just fine.

and we are better for it.

walk along the cold bridge.

and look at the sights from afar.

board the subway.

i just want to ride away on the steal carriage.

to nowhere.

and see beautiful things.

on the way.

oh, its my stop.

unexpected to be so soon.

and disappointing.

this is not the right museum.

there shouldn't be dinosaurs.

wrong rotunda.

hah.

trek to the right building.

this is a great track.

its from the 70s.

you say.

modern lives.

and expression.

you've seen the pictures.

the tower.

how ominous.

cherry blossom delights.

and bums under bridges.

its a raw juxtaposition.

i still want to help you.

and everyone else.

but i dont know how.

moving on.

the week was lovely.

and i ignored most of it.

work and more so.

visiting profs and the like.

i need to remember all this.

small white lights.

and twinkling dreams of darkness.

i've found my new place.

green strips and open windows.

and my own place to sit and be.

it's quite lovely.

you would enjoy it too.

this is getting lengthy.

letting go of your advice.

it wasn't helpful in the least.

and i resent you for it.

let me count the ways.

i can't do math. is that really the best you've got?

i guess all that your willing to admit anyway.

i'm more forthright.

i think. so anyway.

you read into this what you like.

i will be just here.

unpleasant/pleasant its really up to me.

i like talking about you.

listening to all these new tunes.

it puts me in a new mood.

working furiously and lovely.

spring hope.

and washing towers.

of fear.

i can't wait to be there.

and i'll miss this.

change inevitably will set in.

and i'm tired of being so passive.

a cape in a field of ponchos.

i want to save the world.

and i haven't the faintest idea how to do so.

there are so many possibilities.

i'm tired of being on the sidelines.

i want to get in the game.

metaphorically of course.

i know. i know.

you've heard that all before.

but here's something new.

i'm over the bullshit.

and the self pity.

and the wasted time.

and the lack of drive.

and passion.

and everything else.

i don't want to spend it like this.

it's not right.

and yes, not good is not right.

i want to join the fight.

and take up a flag.

i don't want to take your advice.

or your medicine any more.

i'm tired.

need to grow up.

and accept the responsibility.

i think i have this.

for a reason.

i will do something.

it will be grand.

even in its own small way.

i can't help but do so.

i just want to run away.

and get my hands dirty.

and take you with me.

don't think of it as religious.

just think of it as moralizing.

secluded for now.

and relatively free in mind.

i shall let it go.

all of you.

and there will be a new mantra.

something that was from long ago.

enough.

number 9. number 9. number 9.

oh god.

its a nightmare.

liberal.

turned conservative now.

it was unavoidable.

confuse me.

with your words.

and numbers.

and blur the art.

together in my mind.

exhaustive.

90s fashion.

i wish it were still around.

i don't remember this song.

it's beautiful.

i just want to cry.

at everything.

everything.

it's really that simple.

thank you for leaving me alone.

aloe love.

confusing speech.

and mumbling of something or another.

brutal confrontation.

you have no right to say these things.

it was just way too conflictual.

and changed.

ive lost my confrontation streak.

it's like inner hate now.

your ignorance is blinding.

and you don't get it.

i don't want what you think i do.

i really don't.

your focus is too corrupted.

for who you are supposed to be.

talk talk talk.

and make me feel worse.

it's not what i need.

when did morals go out of fashion?

why am i expected to be without?

it doesn't make sense.

you need to just leave me be.

run ins.

and false hellos.

i'm disappointed in your actions.

and that makes me upset.

rip sabrina.

your life was short.

and your death unfair.

you were a beauty.

i just want to cry.

like there is no tomorrow.

only that can't come fast enough.

you are so becca!

i apologize.

for the infrequency.

of my response.

it's hard to be inspired.

beatles tunes.

blend together.

abbey road dreams.

let me tell you your future.

the immediate one at least.

i dont feel like using some vivid imagery.

id rather be plain and ordinary.

if you dont mind.

happy belated 21st to the bff.

we actually celebrated in real life.

but this is the virtual one.

kite flying.

blow bubbles and balloons.

steal the life.

from the wind.

we will laugh about this.

birthday hats.

and garters.

i prefer all the regular chat.

not what you mistake as entertainment.

nice to meet you.

flying again.

red marks of stress.

oh how the world works.

you need to leave my space.

because i have none.

happy places.

now.

jump rope.

and familiar tunes.

i found accompaniment.

sneak around.

and tiptoe your way.

through life.

its not the way to go.

polythene pam is my hero.

swirl in the store.

and jump out the door.

that seemed unfinished.

i like it.