nonchalant avenue.

oh my.

you have a deadline.

and you don't even know it.

i don't know where you went to.

i don't know what you are thinking.

there are so many you's.

i'm tired.

end to a vacation.

lines ahead.

stay in your side of the highway.

thank you.

pitch black.

love the new shiny such and such.

it's the end of the year.

the beginning of another.

who knows how it'll go.

will it be another 2005?

or maybe a 2007?

who knows. it is an odd year.

always more mysterious.

let's just go ahead and enjoy it.

carefree, az.

throw caution to the wind.

and fly through the snow storm.

hah.

great. great. just lovely.

walk in.

and tune out.

the great big world.

just turn on the tube.

and turn off your mind.

you really don't know how to spell.

confession.

oh goodness.

i really can't deal with all.

that you are throwing at me.

it's all just too much.

for me to handle.

i don't want your entire story.

..or that part anyway.

why are you here stranger?

you btw are no stranger.

stomp around.

hear the beat on the floor.

salty breakfast.

heehee...oops.

science is SO cool.

haha. neil needs new jokes.

but other than that it was cool.

fine fine i'll give you that.

who names himself that?

i think we need a better outlet here.

i love the 70s.

no i really was never alive then.

put on the sunglasses.

and turn away.

i think you can get over it.

spring dreams.

please bring on a new season.

and get me out of this one.

my mood is less than pleasing.

to anyone pretty much.

you know how that works.

i've had a fair share of happiness.

more than fair actually.

i would say that its fabulous.

too bad there isnt a trailer to life.

i guess that would be kinda way too perplexing.

are you worried about something?

i know i am.

this other movie looks stupid.

bring back the classics.

they are fab too.

can we say something else?

trust me.

i'd appreciate the new expression.

what do you think?

there are a lot of questions.

and not enough answers.

for my personal taste.

not that i need every one.

just the important ones.

letters.

and wrapping.

and ribbon.

it's fantastic.

i wish i was a journalist.

there's nothing in my learning to expose that though.

its a mystery.

why is there wind flying around.

but no one to appreciate it.

i think i'll fly a kite.

plant some flowers.

visit the old house.

and buy tons of yummy fruit.

in the new spring.

after this fall of a season.

look at the pink clouds...

aren't they a trip.

but we've gone there before.

so let's see.

what else is there?

oh plenty.

i can't help but think of nothing.

do you remember that day?

cause i do.

it was great.

almost as great as today.

it's cold outside.

it really is.

i'm not bothered by it.

so much.

when im in my comfy bed anyway.

where the hell is my ups?

ugh...

i'm mystefied.

and disenchanted.

not disenfranchised.

hahha. let's not mistake this.

for that.

i've been using the word too much.

disenchanted that is.

new laughs.

new inner.

i can't know what you what.

unless you tell me.

i love the old shows.

pretty much everything.

that's from those good old days.

in the 90s.

its a gift.

but really.

hah.

i think ive been in the wrong.

let's make the most.

of the times.

and look to the future.

its hilarious.

what we don't know.

but you know what.

i think it'll be fine.

for a little while at least.

you haranguer you;

"i hear the chia pets are in bloom"

oh i am her.

and your an ass.

i can accept that.

but maybe you can just like figure it out.

and then let me know what the hell you want.

i'm not gonna harp on your existence.

i'm afraid you've got the wrong girl.

i haven't been doing this for nothing.

sounds like a nightmare.

i can't help.

i wish you had been there.

more often.

or now.

i need to be following my advice.

i need not let you float.

you do that just fine.

i will need nothing.

take a stand.

return to the past addiction.

of what was great.

i hate being this bad.

and cruel.

and i'd rather see a pig fly.

than go away.

i'm not exactly what you call a people person.

but i'll try to be.

if you need me to.

greed.

future look.

i need new lines.

let's just figure it out.

oh wait.

let me figure it out.

only mint will do.

and you have no clue.

as to what that means.

i think this will be my last bitch fit.

of a rant.

i will not write again until there is something positive.

live. love. something like that.

i'll figure it out.

the whole priority thing.

that girl

i don't want to be.

the crazy one.

the dramatic one.

the loser one.

the fat one.

the ugly one.

the insane one.

the one everyone has to look out for.

the one you worry about.

the one you don't care about.

the stupid one.

the other one.

the lonely one.

the pretentious one.

the submissive one.

i'm tired of those.

why can't i be who i want to be?

why can't you just stop telling me how to live my life?

and let me live it.

you say nobody's stopping me.

but you are.

in the smallest of ways even.

i bother what you'll think.

i've grown tougher.

more callous.

more uncaring.

more cruel.

more condescending.

more detached.

more of the other one.

and what has it done.

made me worse.

made me better.

i doubt the latter.

and can't help but see the previous.

eaten up.

eat or be eaten.

that's how i see it now.

and i just want to be there.

in the element.

of what is good.

and maybe a little bad.

but nothing like whats become lately.

she's unrecognizable.

the outside and the inside are two separate entities.

skin of a snake.

insides of a slaughtered lamb.

addicted to the zen.

hey hey mama.

hah.

i wish i were happier.

i think i actually am.

it's just the mundane and the you that brings me down.

i hate complications.

can't we just be chill.

i know i've been compromising my morals.

but maybe this is just how society works now.

i can still be a traditionalist.

in other ways.

not everything revolves around the three letter word.

so why do we have these fights.

or tiffs.

i've never let anyone limit me like this before.

so why am i now?

who knows.

i should probably figure that one out.

and fast.

if you proceed.

why can't i spell anymore?

the smell of your tea makes me happy.

my comfy blanket makes me happy.

being in your bed makes me happy.

being in my own warm comfy room makes me happy.

watching tbs makes me happy.

i want to go to the little red barn.

i want to watch a random indie flick at g-ma's.

maybe i should buy american teen for the occasion.

OMG that would be the greatest thing.

even better than last time.

i want a Christmas tree.

with all the trimmings.

and i want the family to be itself.

but more functional.

i want to go home to somewhere that doesn't exist.

i want to do the right thing.

after i figure out what that is exactly.

i wonder what you think of me now.

you must still love me.

but really what are your thoughts?

i kind of want to know.

i've never been able to be as rigid as you.

or maybe all my emotional stagnation is finally kicking in.

i think it's time to get off the pills.

stop being a popper.

theres a stigma attached.

but its not that.

its for me.

i've much more important things to accomplish.

then these petty arguments.

and dealings.

i can't wait for the future.

wandering fate.

oh how eternal it seems.

thanks;giving.

it started off well enough.

and whatnot.

then i face you.

it's a problem.

i let you get to me.

the exact same way.

she still gets to me.

he still gets to me.

even in your absence.

i can't help but take it personally.

especially when you know me personally.

and my vulnerability.

but we don't really know each other.

more than any other.

i'm not your pinche anything.

so don't even think about starting that shit.

you like to draw the lines.

and i never seem to end on your side.

perhaps if you just accepted the fact.

that we all have sold out in your definition of the expression.

then you could get off your god damn soap box.

and enter reality.

such caustic hatred.

so blinding.

it's not expected.

and then you wonder.

why i'm not more "social."

the whole difference.

of self between here and there.

the i am who i want to be.

versus the world i am living in.

the funny thing is.

it's not really my reality.

and you will be gone soon enough.

onto your next adventure.

what do you have against success?

do we fear it?

why be a statistic?

there is no shame in becoming the future.

and yet you treat it like its not only impossible.

but uncomfortable.

but you crave it.

your in the wrong place if you want to fight.

you would have been better off at home.

with that thought process.

the good old shop talk.

"i hated him for his success."

"he was a betrayal to our people."

i can't understand these words.

maybe that's what separates us.

becca is simply lost.

what an understatement.

it's a life.

it's independence.

but i wasn't wired to work this way.

self sufficient yes.

alone no.

it's not that i'm not grateful.

because i am.

i just don't understand.

why it has to be like this now.

tossed aside by the old.

pushing away the new.

wont that always be the problem.

it's the first signs of us all moving on.

growing up.

and seemingly away.

you aren't here.

i'm not there.

it's not exactly what i hoped.

when i came here.

so why would i want to go further?

there was a purpose.

i have to believe that there still is.

because in the end.

all you can count on.

is you.

but i don't know me.

she's bitchy.

moody. cranky. crazy.

young, self deprecating, hateful.

empathetic, overanxious, hovering.

i can't seem to be the one.

i can't seem to get where i need to be.

why does it continue then?

i can't stand without wanting to fall.

i can't move without knowing i'm wrong.

i'd rather just make the mistakes right here right now.

than actually have to make choices later.

you keep saying i'll save.

but who will save me?

such self-pity.

how annoying.

back. forward. back.

it's all a dance.

but there's no partner.

your just facing the mirror.

with nothing more to look at than your reflection.

i can't say i like it.

in style.

in grace. in poise. in love. in anything.

it's fallen. broken. gone.

and i don't know when i will ever get it back.

in the meantime.

i'll keep apologizing.

and bottling.

and not one of us will talk about it.

things don't change.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2008

clear the consciousness

devoid of feelings.

its just motions now.

i can't bear to think about the next few days.

granted home was never very fun.

but at least it was something.

missing times.

its like the "fat kid" days.

post.

the things i do now.

astonish me.

the lengths i will go.

for something so simple.

its scary to think.

thats what ive become.

then maybe its just primal.

im really not sure what to think anymore.

leaving it up to fate.

to decide for me.

i can't seem to get a clear grasp.

on what i'm going to do.

i need alternatives.

something new.

something not this.

because it really is harming.

intoxicating to the stream.

of mind.

and body.

you are wary of my gift.

you have a right to be.

from what you know.

frosting covers.

and comfy blankies.

i miss something.

and certainly many someones.

if only.

how did that appear?

i've not a slightest idea.

i don't know where anything is anymore.

i'll probably misplace the spoons.

and forget the words.

to the greeting.

my small talk is not so small.

and its obvious we do not belong together.

without anything else.

to bind.

i guess it's worth it for the moment.

sleep.

something for the soul.

writing away.

withering.

i've returned from the oepra

and fallen right back into the lap.

of reality.

its the same old dance.

the tango.

only with a different partner.

but the motions are the same.

i can't help but disappoint.

it's not all about you you know.

i'm pissed.

i'm tired.

i'm miserable.

i'm anxious.

i'm craving.

i'm fucked.

and you have no clue.

go ahead and shoo me away.

i've lost the spark.

or maybe it's just been over amplified.

stop trying to make yourself a statistic.

do you want me to tell you...

that i feel sorry for you?

that you win.

that you've broken the pot.

because i will.

if you will get off my fucking back.

i'm doing the only thing i know how to do.

and i don't even think i can do that right anymore.

nothing was ever this bad.

not from my response anyway.

certainly worst times behind and ahead.

but for now.

i lay here.

a wreck to be seen.

a door with post-its.

a sign of warnings.

telling you to just go away.

because i'd rather alienate you.

then make you victim to this person.

that has taken over.

stuck in the circle.

breaking the spirit.

eating away.

you have done away.

and i am losing the battle.

severe words.

and piercing confessions.

i can't handle it.

you need to get out of my head.

and i yours.

its obvious that it's not functional.

pondering a change.

in scenery. in background. in life.

leaving the real world.

doesn't work.

i don't know why i'm being treated that way.

it doesn't make much sense.

i've made no reason for such concern.

try a different route.

perhaps.

writing dribble.

it's just a complication of words.

in order to.

and the like.

my words aren't mine.

you don't even understand them anymore.

neither do i.

a to c to z.

i seem to miss the in between.

meaningless talk.

that certainly went a different direction.

open nights.

early early mornings.

i'm not really sure what all that means.

hah. better not to think.

harsh nights that follow.

i will stand by you.

no matter if your wrong or right.

and that will not ever change.

slumber party!

although it's not that like the olden days.

this one more so.

exhausted to the extreme.

talk about breaking.

we belong.

we have the right.

i will not be pushed out.

and you will not break me anymore.

than you already have.

you grabbed whose what?

i may have missed the boat.

but you know what.

its time to get there.

and figure out my rights.

and my stand.

legality of action.

morality of words.

its all a table of deception.

let's say whats real.

and mean it.

i can go on and on.

because i just want to be with you.

by that i mean me first.

i need to find my way.

before i can let you in.

struggle between the two.

you show no reason to distrust.

and yet i am aware of the past.

i think i just found my paper topic.

writing. words.

the everything is gone.

the eloquence.

whatever literacy i showed.

the promise seems to be up in this air.

it used to be in my utensil.

but i guess it relocated.

maybe my spirit carried it off.

not my spirit.

but the one that follows me.

is the white shadow still there?

i care to dream.

that he is.

steal some scent.

and paint your nails.

with the deep autumn leaves.

numb.

unaware of whats going on.

because all i can do is sit.

and watch.

and wait.

and i don't even want to do that.

"All Things Are Possible"

Change.

Hope.

Excitement for the future.

We must be united.

I'm so glad to have been a part of it.

so here's to tomorrow!

to every tomorrow!

its not a reflection of what you see.

i just want to get over you.

is that too much to ask?

i don't think it is.

healing time.

and soothing something.

it has to count.

i can't wait any longer.

for this to stop.

i just want it all to end.

white linen.

and lost calls.

i'm glad your mom phoned.

and not you.

what in the world?

hope and dream.

pray.

for a better tomorrow.

optimism is the movement.

of the future.

i need a better taker.

a better lot of things.

but nothing that i can afford now.

to lose.

can you tell?

because if you can't...

then i will sure as hell be happy to enlighten you.

label your draft.

spring your proposal.

and ill lay here.

prey to the madness.

of what is abound.

go ahead and slam down my curls.

overslept.

i can't blame myself though.

but i will anyway.

just unfortunate.

like most of the happenings.

this week.

what is going on with the cosmos.

late on monday.

sorry.

tuesday puzzles.

"misdiagnosed"

"atypical antipsychotic"

not words you want to hear in the morning.

wtf does all this mean.

i'm not really all that positive.

i really don't understand how all this works.

i probably should have read up on it.

and not been so quick to jump on the wagon.

crossword tuesdays.

it's like a tunnel of meanings.

and crossings.

i don't even know what some of them mean.

oh well.

wednesday hustle.

get through everything.

and get over yourself.

creepy salsa guy.

my eyes are mhmm you guessed it UP HERE.

trade you back for my asian lady.

so much pressure.

thursday sleepiness.

oh i can't forget the monday break.

down.

what more could i do.

urban fare.

hip hop IS LOVE.

midnight.

shitastic deaths.

throw some pez.

just for the hell of it.

i know you better.

and you know me worse.

slide down the hill.

whoops.

one isn't going to kill you.

i can't help but think it just might.

i will be away.

and you'll lecture me.

nothing i haven't heard before.

i just forget how you don't get the whole thing.

and have gotten used to the idea by now.

because so many others have.

flores rosas.

the three caballeros plus one

oh gosh.

where to begin really.

i prolly can't fit it all in.

as the memories i want.

for the REST OF MY LIFE.

sleepiness.

and confession.

its such a lie sometimes.

work work work.

did i do anything really?

no, but you payed me anyway.

pass out.

garden state.

moments of bliss.

and rightness.

whatever that is.

early evening.

sounds lame so far.

write the paper.

and another.

you are a writing queen.

a spelling Bee.

can you put up some new pics?

i really should not address myself here.

mail the letters.

i hope you get them soon.

and remember my instructions.

because you love me.

ugh... *sigh*....

DRAMA.

cause i'm just like that apparently.

i want the curls back.

and the good times.

lets head to the latino gathering.

i'm gonna need to take this group out.

they aren't worth it.

some spectacle.

but i'll wait out for more.

midnight show.

and awkward encounters.

sorry for trespassing your space or something.

we actively ignore well anyway.

red rover line of drunken fun.

...hahah we wish.

the conversation of life.

and everything else.

but alas time.

back in the company.

pink cake.

pink everything.

could you just pay please?

thank you.

"your blunt" why do i always get that?

maybe i should pay more attention to what i say.

but that would take far too long.

the southwest sacrifice.

actually its something you will never get.

back on the radio.

lets play the tunes.

and kick up the beats.

twist the feet.

and pop the balloons.

love.

beauty in nature.

the jewish la bamba.

clash.

serious clash.

you don't even know.

hah. parallel universe.

dawning of the earth.

fun salsa.

lead.

and be led.

its the story.

of my life.

return.

from the trip around the world.

actually its just a small part.

of the huge monstrosity.

loving the new shades.

you do need a new do.

i'm glad you didn't attack my pride.

i want my hannah pin.

no i'm a meghan underneath.

learn about the culture.

read the signs.

too bad you become the pattern.

of existence.

and attempt.

for the love of earth.

oh my.

the multiple lists.

of words and exemplars.

so you think i'm too shy.

too small to do it.

but i did.

wonderful new stores.

follow the vera wang.

and the saks.

and the jimmy choo.

you overhyped this experience.

it was easy enough.

i suppose.

getting what you want.

is always nice.

this is not coming out right.

cracking necks.

frightened wakenings.

i missed the episode.

toss and turn as you may.

you still take care of me.

and thank goodness for that.

i can't afford.

to have anything less.

sometimes i just want to run.

optional fun.

not an option.

spending time in the pink palace.

i forget to get the things i need.

and i don't know what i'm doing exactly.

but thats all i can do.

theres a good reaction.

caffeine overload.

really nothing else.

i just want to do the crosswords.

and leave behind the work.

what a wonderful dream.

of the night.

if only there were a personality of such.

its a falsity.

we know that.

thanks for the recognition.

i needed it.

calls to no avail.

and request to no reply.

the pumpkin fall.

i understand your secrets.

i share them as well.

attack.

in the morning hours.

draining moves.

compromises.

and terrified.

of tomorrow.

glow away.

you can't hurt me from there.

a changed decision.

i think its for the best.

i can't stand the press.

i hate the morning green.

and the popping.

i can manage anything.

in a different way.

without your quick fix.

i feel like a sell-out.

how horrible.

new hair.

its brighter.

and autumn.

in essence.

just keep coloring.

because i can't think of any better use for money.

although i won't lie i might take scissors to it myself.

you really neednt worry.

train trek.

maryland here we come.

a mexican outing.

for bread.

and crafts.

thank god it is friday.

where are we?

god we are lucky!

and stupid all at once.

now it's sunday where did yesterday go.

to the memorial.

harassed.

and offended.

shoes. tons of shoes.

and spanish.

and everything.

return to the bubble.

walk the line.

between the states.

it's a perfect place to be.

open your eyes.

and cry.

its all you do anymore anyway.

i can't stand being "me".

better to just project the other demeanor.

catch up on your shows.

leaves are falling.

right at me.

and a moment of clarity.

i will take care of myself.

i will no longer do this.

i will be fine.

or at least i tell myself so.

i just wish i could curl up.

on gpa's lap one more time.

and hear what he would say to me now.

the ivy life

so its been an adventure.

a nice getaway.

a needed one.

nonetheless.

there is still much to be done.

and i just may be stretched.

a little too thin.

i've stopped the reading.

and the thinking.

and for once.

i doubt my ability.

little miss trouble.

she is a feisty one.

you are overrun.

by an interesting noise.

i can't fathom.

the actuality.

must mail letter.

it's the most important piece of mail.

well no.

maybe not.

for the love of earth.

lets look at our favorites.

and just sit and sit.

my diamonds sparkle.

but not as much as yours.

i guess its just not as prominent.

and i'm okay with that.

bent electricity.

"man's final frontier."

i love thanhy.

and yale was great.

even if there are crazies.

i wonder if shes telling herself how good she looks.

cause that's what i would be doing.

if i talked to my reflection in a car window.

you know that well enough b.

or d.

i don't know which you are anymore.

"it's not for sale"

then why is it on the table.

i think you are just lazy.

going backwards.

train onward.

its not the last trip.

we've been dating how long?

and you still don't know that i complain about everything.

hah what a great one.

chocolate dreams crash into reality.

a non-sequitur.

i can't seem to keep the peace within.

why today?

a puzzling statement.

no sleep. eat. think.

just do.

its too unhealthy.

toxic in fact.

why can't you understand me?

why can't you handle my situation?

and by you i mean me.

in this impervious world of you.

lets offer a critique.

of what's to come.

there goes the alarm.

adrenaline was already running.

about two hours ago.

spilling out of veins.

cold floor.

calm me down.

please.

sighs and catch the breath.

it will be kay.

i still feel like gushing.

where will i put this anxiety?

hover over my blanket.

clutching to something real.

old and new.

why?

"and the beat goes on"

no virus can stop me.

i shall prevail.

with purell in one hand.

and clorox in the other.

what a week.

so busy.

running around and around.

could you have gotten any more condescending?

i mean, even i think that was low.

your questions are base.

i don't get the point.

its all in a day.

that i can get this done.

working to the bone.

an upper addition.

perhaps unwelcome.

perhaps not.

it shall trickle down to something.

decision to get out.

make free.

so prevalent.

for the time.

almost a perfect score.

but your just shy.

of the whole point.

i miss the times.

cause they were fun.

and i wish for more.

but regretably so.

because no one is ready for that.

so you say things have changed.

but not in my world chica.

hope. i'd say rather realism.

because i can't come to it from your view.

i don't think you understand.

the lengths i will go.

the ability that i seek.

and yet what i would give it all up for.

i will just keep plugging.

there's no sense in the mundane.

i can't stop the wild track now.

it's just too late.

i hope you've made a plan.

looking forward.

to the crispness.

and the view.

of centrality.

for me?

Such strong submission.

can hardly breathe.

heart pounding.

the good.

is being marred.

by the darkness of the bad.

i can't focus.

i want to jump.

and fly high.

leave this place.

for 5 minutes.

home package.

so delicious.

fiona apple evaluation.

so me.

why are they trying to kill us?

at least i wasn't hurt.

although i kinda wish i was.

anxiety rising.

i will conquer.

i can do this.

18 years experience.

wait i'm 19.

god i dont even remember anymore.

up and down.

can't just be calm.

i need a drop.

of something.

please let me have a break.

something of possibility.

just let it all work out.

in the end.

so that this goes as You would want.

are you kidding me?

i'm so drenched.

buy an umbrella.

a day too late.

you still have my other one.

i'm not trendy today im afraid.

just more a jumble of words.

and thoughts.

and sparks.

oh well i love you.

hahahaha.

yeah right.

so completely crazed.

and continued.

you are so my best friend.

so you are my lifeline.

and i must say the finest entertainment.

the others dismissed me.

and then the ones that won't take enough advantage.

of the greatness.

i'm just gonna call you out.

even though you have NO CLUE.

probably such a bitch.

window of opportunity.

transitive property.

something we just can't forget.

read the headlines.

serve the arroz chica.

oh a blither blather.

why don't you just run around.

and sing your little ditty.

i'm tired of hearing it at the wee hours.

this is all over.

new lifestyle.

whatever that means.

your not quite as unpleasant as you used to be.

it's kind of a shame.

well i guess i will deal.

meet around.

and enjoy the fun.

and the sarcasm.

a bit of the past never pinched the present so much.

"lost between reality and psychology"

"it's raining revolution"

a new concept.

you should understand it by now.

almost completely washed away.

this is the time.

what is all this about?

i can't tell you.

i definitely didn't do my part today.

not yet anyway.

your clearly taking advantage.

in the way your not supposed to.

lets samba.

and hurry because i dont have the time.

to go all over the place.

not today anyway.

definitely needs some work.

definition is unclear.

addiction to rating.

relativity is so interesting.

it should be examined.

the leaves are turning.

i hope they will come back.

i've been neglectful.

i think i'm over it.

aristotle was the man.

just in case you needed to know.

keep covering the walls.

with pictures of nothing in particular.

i just can't stand the bareness.

i have so much more to do.

so much more room for information.

inspiration.

innovation.

sounds cliche.

but i mean it truly.

i wish i could just fly away.

and help you.

to your side.

i would gladly go.

rushing adrenaline.

feelings of anxious.

you like me now.

i'm so pleased.

i thought you wouldn't.

accepted.

and reordered.

its a once you get to know me thing.

shy, reserved.

she becomes quite the animator.

if i do say so myself.

love your shoes.

they are que bonita.

"It's raining solution"

the green sheets.

clearly i was born in the wrong time.

really i mean.

i get pulled into their speech.

and i take it on.

like a chameleon of words.

the day/night/day is a blur.

everything seems interconnected somehow.

we are far too close knit.

i guess in the larger picture not so much.

thread away.

please.

scents of the past.

i wonder what you would say to me now?

would you approve?

i hope of something you would.

i've missed you.

now more than ever.

a letter to the past.

should it ever be sent?

thanks for your humility.

must return to the old graces.

i think they are lost.

certainly not in you.

my secret is yet to go out.

and yet is out all at once.

shopping extravaganza.

four floors of normalcy.

and consumerism.

i prefer the normalcy.

must slim.

and be the biggest loser.

yellow bags.

plum pumps.

crossing the river.

over and over.

i can't wait for the next day.

and the next one.

i suspect you are disappointed or upset.

one of the two.

mostly.

umbrella of a bell.

i think its time for fall.

happy 100.

"ovens and beaters and graters"

guess where its from?

you do know.

oh, goodness.

go and change up that format.

and surprise me.

its an uninvited change.

for sure.

hah you just want to watch the vid.

and leave behind the pulsing words.

suggest a new arena.

quite possibly a good idea.

too many emails.

sorry for that.

an awkward passing.

and clearly power trip.

cause i'm on roll.

"ITS CAUSES POLIO"

you just don't know.

it's okay.

cause we do.

ill send you a postcard.

you'll love it.

i just know it.

oh, i will outshine you.

hahaha.

non-talkative.

sorry you carry that burden.

don't want to cause DRAMA!

haha.

why do you keep skipping randomly?

its in the genes.

or the jeans rather.

um... yeah no.

i think i love it.

character.

think about it.

just like misty roses.

oh.

apples. and more apples.

but not really.

prof talk.

and general laughter.

it's not quite my crowd.

but mine is all over the place.

all this saudade.

it's love.

it's everything.

i love your quotes.

i want to post them on my walls.

as reminders of my strength.

and your power.

i've been rocking the same fashion.

more boxes.

more organizing.

no way im getting home this time.

probably best to leave you be.

i appreciate the criticism.

actually for once.

catch the metro.

must get myself one of those cards.

it's not as easy as one would like.

to pick up the pieces.

i've apreciated your support.

and everything else you give.

pick up my cosmo.

and peruse what will be the death of my credit.

i really need to get that second job.

i can't believe its all happening so fast.

where do i go from here?

have been more open generally.

energy is the key.

organization is vital.

girls night out.

and a celebrated bottle.

in hopes to make a good impression.

expecting shipment.

and already writing a new list.

stop the spending.

its too much.

and the lights are going to drown you.

in the steel of the moon.

its like an extraordinary machine.

but you also get a song...

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the stitching of my quilt

so.

you know how things go.

i haven't been saying much.

of significance anyway.

i hope that you understand that.

and if you don't well i can't help you.

it's been a nice ride of waves.

the new work.

it's kind of exciting.

in a crazy way.

so your trying to intimidate me.

with three people in the room.

too bad you are the least of my worries.

just a couple of pawns.

i leave feeling accomplished.

at least they liked my coat.

new song. please.

because i've memorized all the old ones.

the responsibility of everything.

how fun.

the rush against the metal.

lets pack in.

lace skirt to steel.

'dont lean on the door'

not enough trouble.

sprint for your chance.

and actually forgive it.

i wonder what that says.

new dose.

less jitters.

its kind of great.

so this is the text for the day.

definition of self at its best.

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"it's time the truth was out"

so lets just say it.

lay it on the line.

you obviously have it on your mind.

it was bold.

it was gutsy.

it was totally inappropriate.

only the true keepers seem to know better.

you clearly don't understand me.

which is fine.

because it's not really either of our problems.

i can't change for you.

i am myself.

i will not mimic something to make you feel better.

maybe im reading too much into it.

but its my blog.

so there.

accept me.

or leave me be.

if you have a problem with my audacity.

well i had a problem with yours.

just remember that.

i dont want to cause problems.

but i will not let it go.

its clear that you are a monitor.

of my actions.

this way and that.

i can't stand it.

i crave independence.

and i'm not lonely.

in the way you think i am.

i dont think you understand the importance.

of home.

well to me anyway.

we have different values.

its quite clear.

i just wish you wouldnt preach atop your soap box.

about your own.

playing the waiting game.

oh well.

haha. your bombarded.

i'ts just hilarious at this point.

quote after quote.

from one side.

i can't stand it!

good things to come.

an upper.

and an addition.

lets be coy about the whole thing.

and just pretend to be fine.

yes yes that works just great for me.

indiscernible accent.

daunting office.

the swirling of what if's.

i'm surprised at what i think i might do.

but i don't think i'll ever know for sure.

you know what i want.

you know what you do too.

we are all perfectly capable.

for the decision.

the proper response.

i think its gonna be short today.

i'm in too big a mood.

climb under the bed.

so it was another year passed.

a lot has changed.

kinda would have wanted your notation.

but you didn't give it.

i guess i got what i always wanted.

thats kinda pathetic.

i hate that you made me feel bad.

i can't handle it.

i want some oj.

and a nice home.

perfect vase.

the flowers beautiful.

i think you are the best.

the pictures keep slipping.

and you think i'm going to just let it fall.

im too ocd for that sort of thing.

i'm not in any danger.

i haven't found myself in before.

i don't think you understand.

my mindset and options.

you really need to open your mind up a bit.

i think it would be good.

for us both.

addressing the many you's.

you are really great.

all of you are in your own ways.

let's look at the positive.

i can't help but do so.

at the moment.

let's not let it cloud my judgement.

alrighty then.

thanks for the well wishes.

you have jelly on your knee!

as if that weren't enough.

your not the type for this sort of thing.

and you know it.

worse so does everyone else.

yeah bitchy behavior.

sorry about that one.

it just kinda slipped out unfortunately.

i don't believe it to be a good thing.

but there it is.

trip to the target.

it was less than thrilling.

although it was target at the least.

fixation on presentability.

and failure.

because that's just how life goes.

tomorrow is my birthday.

and for once.

i wish you wouldn't all make such a fuss.

just leave me be.

i've already spent it with my closest.

not to be rude.

it's just not the same.

bars fluctuating.

i put an x in there i dont know why.

such a mistake that is.

the shadow seems to have changed.

and you got replaced.

uninvited if you will.

your fashion leaves something to be desired.

its like a persona of someone else.

such a bad taste.

love the sarcasm.

out of my mouth.

sorry it is my nature.

we are in a room.

and yet we will not say a word.

thanks for that.

its refreshing.

to all the talking.

please stay out of my business.

stop analyzing my status.

stop teasing me.

i don't care for it.

and i still want to like you.

your way isn't better.

it's simply a different approach.

to the one i've chosen.

so heres how it goes.

sedated.

surprisingly much so.

trips around the city.

setting everything in a place.

new introductions.

and surprising new connection.

floating.

alone in a corner.

but trying to work my way through.

i'll win em over with food.

shopping.

packages expected.

in multitudes.

i am excited.

i'm liable to be broke.

class notes and long lectures.

falling down.

healing cuts.

red lights.

well lets focus.

for real this time.

lets really focus.

accessibility.

and communication.

you are awesome.

and i can't help

but love you.

same old some and dance.

ooh. isn't this lovely?

i don't think you quite estimate it.

weigh the right/left.

i think i'll stick with my decision.

others seem to think its good.

how do you see the future?

truth is im jealous of your clarity.

etched into the ceiling.

dancing on the cement.

peace of nature.

its a marvelous idea.

pack everything up again.

oh its a lot of baggage.

more so in a literal sense.

anxiety about the days ahead.

i think i really need to get this to work for me.

oh well.

look forward.

and accept the side.

get it all together.

you can't really complain about the journey.

it's way too much.

i love how utterly predictable you are.

it's just ridiculous.

you hate my style.

that's okay.

i didn't ask anyway.

i miss you already.

the complication of giblet.

oh.

closed off.

in the zone of whats in front of me.

not paying attention to you.

i really don't want to.

hill among mountains.

sweat the little things.

oh yeah.

i can't believe this happened.

what were we thinking?

get over the whole thing.

i can't.

well not now anyway.

vein maneuver.

is it the thought?

i guess it is.

a startling reflection.

zip you buttons.

and clasp your zipper.

you know you want a life like this.

zero.

compared to your surge.

i hate this.

thats for the apologies.

and the allocation.

bye.

don't put me with the rest.

so your like crazy.

oh, i am too. i know.

but i admit it.

i've not been in your world.

you never gave me the keys.

hah. it seems like its running together.

all this talk.

and visits.

long hours of waiting.

imaginary friends.

apparently you whisper to them.

just go all out.

and paint me some flowers.

lilac liquid.

girls night out.

pink lush walls.

the loft feel.

an end.

ice cream and cigarettes.

can you beat that?

mysterious signs.

through the windows.

laughter fits.

oh scotty indeed doesn't know.

LOL.

the list of new.

and old.

food joy.

i wish it were a one time thing.

hah. i pick at everything in sight.

i didn't mean to DNAEIL!

i wish i were like hannah.

you can be meghan.

cause she's a bitch.

and so are you in your subconscious.

NASTIA! olympic shine.

drive around.

the fresh paint.

and lighting.

sleep it off.

light the match.

and wait for the electricity.

you are so the melrose...

of your dreams.

oh jesus. what a week.

lets say what we haven't.

and get it all out.

there was a reason this stuff wasn't said.

i think i'm scared of you.

or being without you rather.

goodbyes.

they are so depressing.

i can't handle a long pause.

i'm just going to say adios.

and there we all go.

to our respective paths.

the lone cow.

with the skinny trees.

it seems symbolic.

of nothing in particular.

perhaps the small things.

im focusing on.

resentment.

and a hole in my side.

maybe just an ulcer.

nightmares.

and very early mornings.

just thoughts running around up there.

lets go on a trip.

oh, i just want to go home.

homeSICK.

why would you think any different?

museums dreams.

cold levels.

i'm not sure which i am on.

oh well.

turquoise beauty.

i love the attention.

lonely in the streets.

just dead.

once again.

its for the best.

you dont understand me.

back to the past.

its like the same stop every trip.

i dont really have much to say about it.

going back to the casa.

too many detours.

the pigeons have gotten fat.

yeah my small talk sucks.

ready to go.

i guess.

jumpstart ahead.

i just want to go.

i hate this feeling.

multiple feelings.

it would be okay to have just one of them.

but thats too much to ask for i suppose.

tears.

i'm spinning in the headspace that i currently reside in.

i dont know why.

well yes i do.

i expected this all to happen.

i should have prepared better.

surprising news.

just dont want to deal.

i want to be with you.

but it cant be that way.

drifting away.

its not the worst thing thats happened.

mail away the negativity.

im not going to respond to it.

i dont know what to say.

i think i will just tell a joke.

i hope you know how much i count on you.

although i feel bad for that.

self sufficiency.

i just cant do it.

but then again i think i can.

apparently not.

i need help.

im not really sure where to go.

what to say.

who to say it to.

you know everything about me.

if you put it all together.

not just one person.

i guess thats why we tell older people our secrets.

by the time we die they are already dead.

a mourning thought.

i cant imagine.

what you would think.

love.

independence.

care.

is it too much to ask?

where's my chicken?

oh the way you make me feel.

you really turn me on.

and off...

but that really wasn't in the song.

too bad its part of the whole reality.

your not going to get too much positivity here today.

but it was a few hours of life.

i love the mac and cheese.

and the great comfort.

don't forget the calamari.

because i sure wont.

baggage on the table.

open for anyone to see.

its a shame.

fins of sorts.

lets go onward.

look at the waterfall.

i wish i could get in there as well.

the water quotient.

to the gmas.

we didn't make cookies.

i never thought we would.

bernard and i make inappropriate comments.

during the flicks.

haha they piss shar off so much.

but i think she secretly enjoys it.

lovely musicale.

flash. of lights.

tunes blaring.

speedometer racing.

air through the windows.

close your eyes and just embrace the time.

to yourself.

okay ill stop closing my eyes on the highway.

new additions.

of course there will be messages.

didn't i call that.

read the words.

feel the knife.

dim sum mornings.

i enjoy the mini goods.

cleaning out.

new modes.

and rigid schedule.

you really have much to learn.

about the whole thing.

my skinniest outfit.

nice morning.

evening of revelations.

for someone else.

hah.

i love bernard.

dream about joe?

weird. i think you need to change tunes.

wipe out the conservative.

yes it is quite my forte.

in that aspect anyway.

have i abandoned you?

i hope you dont feel that way.

red walk of power.

blue spritz of lovely.

i'm late for work.

oh well.

not like they can fire me now.

new format.

perhaps something a little more creative.

yes yes i think so.

lets represent the personality.

a little better.

with the words and covering.

all around like a tree.

i'm not making sense.

i know.

but up where it matters i get it.

death.

how depressing.

a reminder of the whole thing.

i don't want to think about it.

i must be figure out whats going where.

maybe you can come help me.

i'm going to miss you.

yes, bernard. i will miss you immensely.

and no dad is mad at you.

p.s. true life is awesome.

manzana love.

the circles.

of imagination.

or mood.

so you say.

i don't really think you get.

yourself.

or me. for that matter.

tough days.

steamy fog.

oh lovely.

how predictable.

i dont think so.

pitch in with the authoritative hand.

speak your mind.

and stand the ground.

its wonder.

and joy.

and spontaneity.

i will not be asked back.

and that is okay.

your a little flirtatious this evening.

how refreshing.

to see you alive.

and not so bogged.

you've seemingly given up everything.

that you once dreamed of.

but i guess you found something worth it.

i dont know if i would be comfortable there.

but i'm happy for you.

if your happy.

i don't know why i listen to you.

its clearly not good for me.

to hear what you have to say.

i don't care to question.

constantly...anyway.

a little while longer.

home is becoming scarce.

i will miss bernard.

and his laugh.

and all his irreverence.

i saw a guy at marble slab that looked like you.

and i missed you already.

thanks for the end of the season.

it certainly was entertaining.

we bought the cat on sale.

we're all waiting for your next move.

or at least i am.

so many things.

swirling above.

of course.

its like driving around.

with nothing but vibration.

and sound.

i don't mind leaving you.

behind on the course.

it's not my business.

to encourage anything different.

i don't believe you would want it.

any different.

falling and quite defeated.

you've not a clue.

abominable snowmen.

rehearse the speech.

although its not very convincing.

i got much enjoyment out of it anyway.

its the little red house.

at the end of the street.

oh yes it is.

too early.

just want to spend some time.

around the vicinity.

not really in the mood for anything else.

sure.

i don't think you understand.

what all i can acquire.

its quite uninspired.

isn't it?

not like the old days.

only words.

no thought.

i don't want you to know.

i think it should stop.

it was a long time coming.

sail around.

with the vibrations.

and noise.

just different company.

as american as guns and ice cream.

oh what a week.

what a week.

string of bad luck.

and missteps.

big missed steps.

new relations.

please don't expect anything.

immature yes.

but i'm entitled to the whole damn opinion.

i don't think you should really talk.

oh well.

i'll get over it.

where is the anti-movement?

it certainly is starting here.

i don't mind.

stuffing up.

to the top.

can't do anything but.

keep going on.

rain. rain.

slippery condition.

of mind.

and physicality.

CRASH.

there goes the front end.

hyper activity.

and whackness.

thanks for the help.

whiplash.

give me a break.

going back to normalcy.

or not.

stress release.

ugh.

thanks for the lift.

cram it all in.

to this little space.

its enough.

for us to talk.

soft spots.

one at least.

flea markets.

tam-ALES.

and x files madness.

what the ____.

excuse me.

while i assert myself.

i'm sorry if it offends you.

haha.

top down.

scary tries.

let us in.

sign away.

airline attendant announcement.

so far from this outer voice.

fun mornings.

its going to be okay.

i wish you could hear the tings in my head.

oh i really do roll the dice.

leave me in the dawn.

take the fine silver and china.

and enjoy your tea.

and tradition.

i'm more over on the other side.

of what i want.

arms crossed.

avoidance.

drip. drop.

i can just hear it now.

ill plug in.

and give you my input.

its really not that complicated.

i've jumped ahead years.

my mind goes from a pebble to a mountain.

but it makes sense up there.

calm in the realm of things.

but not in the everyday.

you looked so boss.

standing the ground.

like a force to be reckoned with.

getting back to the old old.

new people to deal with though.

eh.

you've hit almost everything.

i've not much else to say about it.

let down your guard.

let's face it.

it will never happen.

you are always going to keep your little shine.

and so will i.

i just dont see them together.

the vista blues

butterflies.

all over my stomach.

love. live.

that's what i thought.

working gear.

its like ultimate power.

struggle for the edge.

i'm like a point at the top of a pyramid.

no one wants to come near.

you are just confused.

i think.

squeaky table.

rocking back and forth.

back and forth.

oh destination.

for an indescribable motion.

impeccable accurateness.

de los reyes.

y los reinas.

to be fair.

wake up.

and get moving.

your wasting the day.

rise with the light.

flickering shimmer.

of red/orange fire.

maybe we should change that.

just maybe.

stars abound.

i wish.

psychedelic rain drops.

loneliness.

shit.

its not going to work out.

the way you would think.

or want.

its just impossible.

because dreams are not that certain.

i must get out of the tangled web.

its far too stuffed.

full of chords.

i'm not certain of your reasons.

its a great decision.

that must be made.

which will it be?

the age old question.

actually i wonder how old it is.

when did this become so important.

that it had to ruin everything.

understanding is compliance.

attention.

of danger.

i crave the long forgotten.

you know.

had someone told me the reality.

i would have chosen differently.

perhaps i would have tried less.

its not even a matter of relativity.

its programmed.

seemingly.

i disagree with the whole.

but i suppose its a fact.

sharp tacks of love and hate.

i've been careful.

a week of exploration.

new people.

new dynamics.

shadow the clack of heels.

uncomfortable comfort.

i don't have any words for you.

all i can do is nod my head.

and hope for the best.

because i do feel for you.

random rendezvous.

do you remember me?

at all i wonder?

and i don't mean that superficially.

overwhelming fears.

split personality.

i don't know how much further i can go here.

before i really hit on something.

that i'm just too afraid to handle.

swimming fish.

losing time.

or lessening.

it's all there.

i've understood your candor.

and it's appreciated in some sense.

i wish things.

i don't see how it will happen.

in the snap.

drop new things in.

leave it behind on the grave.

missed fireworks.

and celebration.

circus fun.

dreams of color.

and swirls of imagination.

yes one of us knows someone around.

i'm glad for that.

stick it around.

i honestly forgot the witty beginning.

oh yeah.

try and stop me.

i really don't think you will.

ever.

i've got my way.

so it may not always be smart.

but it's mine.

and i can get things done.

awkwardness.

oh wow.

i kinda really hate you.

for no particular reason.

other than your whole personality.

onwards.

grab your chopsticks.

if you can...

"not even a glimmer in my eye"

omg really? really?

sex and the city.

with great company.

almost a good flick.

no no no.

big hats.

and dark rooms.

how great!

insights.

wow i'm actually getting what i've paid for.

although i'll mimic this weeks' secret post.

oh well.

it's what i've got.

fight with the tech.

you don't have the answer.

and neither do you.

so drive along.

new art.

wings of sorts.

flying pamphlet.

fountain pics.

your dress is just ugly.

yeah i said it.

things can not work out like that.

believe me.

well don't i really don't care.

bubble tea.

don't throw the food please.

hah it was cute.

until i came along.

good for you.

books. books. cd. book.

no that's far too much work.

trailers.

and kids seats.

wall-e love.

pixar greatness.

okay fine.

i'm done.

"you are the tragedy end."

harsh words.

over and over.

yelping in my ears.

i won't hold back.

did you think i would?

no.

more criticism.

from an unwanted source.

just leave me be.

please.

what have i been doing?

hmm friendly lunches.

unexpected crowd.

i hate this song.

change the channel.

miss the good.

and the bad.

but mostly just the plain old.

whats the point in that?

green teal.

black shoes.

yellow undergarments.

sunflowers of sorts.

chat it up.

in a new hangout.

not really meant for this audience.

but who cares.

i don't approve of most of what you say.

but that's not my job.

back to everything.

oh well.

it was a nice break anyway.

blue liquid lacquer.

oh my holy hell.

it's been too long.

let me think here.

returning to the ordinary.

i hope it's not like that in the future.

so count the minutes.

the hours.

the days.

i'm still judging the whole thing.

i probably always will.

closing time.

keep talking.

around and around.

the whole world.

so appreciate it.

lift up the music.

and play your part.

i hope you still can.

okay so lets go in search.

of something spectacular.

bright lights.

not exactly the ones we were looking for.

but they will do.

warm warm breeze.

take what you like.

oh so this again.

fight. fight. fight.

and crash to the end.

toss in the tranquility.

and add a dash of suspense.

that's pretty much it.

okay so familiar territory.

good thing that wasn't unchartered waters.

tremble around.

toss and toss.

dancing around.

the cold floor.

shaking morning.

a waking goodbye.

it's not that easy.

or difficult.

horrid matching.

and sleepy days.

why don't you have what i want?

marvel at nothing in particular.

i don't really know what it is.

but you don't either.

oh well.

wake up again.

and join the real.

it's my time.

i will do with it what i like.

until then.

i count.

and count.

glittering your shadows.

alright. alright. alright.

i've lightened.

pop the pills.

and there you go.

scratching against the surface.

of things to come.

revelations, to me anyways.

i hope you can understand.

wilting flowers.

read the past.

love it or hate it.

i don't really know which yet.

pink fluffy rooms.

and streaming thoughts.

feeling kinda alone.

roses of fizz.

i hope to find you.

and me.

in good places.

i don't need to go with you.

i can stay here.

or go wherever i want.

peace.

in a non-conformist attitude.

toss the chance back.

to understanding.

you've spotted me.

i think we are lost.

tipsy evenings.

not my own.

new locations.

the company wasn't so welcome.

fire burning.

amidst calm chatter.

awkward questions.

and laughs.

we are indeed different.

really very much so.

and i think you can sense it too.

i don't think it will stop us though.

because you know how to appreciate it.

and so do i.

trek off.

the beaten path.

hours of laughter.

and a beating eye.

how calming.

and eerie.

merry go round dreams.

and ferris wheel fun.

what a nice view.

it is nice to hold some power.

bickering.

i definitely can't deal with your argument.

but i will let it go for now.

let the cards.

fall where they may.

problem is i like to shuffle things.

following in the footsteps.

put down your braids.

fuck.

this again.

i just want to disappear.

is this how its going to be?

i guess so.

i don't deal well.

apparently.

i wish everything would just change.

ambiguous feeling.

i can't even do this anymore.

clear vase of nothing.

sorry.

things to say.

but i'm not in the mood to say them.

maybe tomorrow.

scratch the surface.

your words.

they mean more to me.

than you think they do.

biting and acerbic.

caring and the like.

in my head.

it sounds the same.

i can't see past the motivation.

can you really blame me?

blowing days.

past like a feather.

luminous fish.

spinning round like locks.

black lace.

again intention.

is this really what it's like?

maybe something more peaceful is in order.

your chatter is open.

your open honesty is not at all powerful.

follow the script.

and the world.

in the circle life.

intimacy is in many layers.

and you touch none of them.

isolation.

secretly while in the heart of it all.

i'll just walk around.

and listen to all your well speech of fear.

no more now.

when will you realize?

ugh.

disgust.

as usual.

or is this a new thing?

i guess it kinda is.

i'm a hypocrite.

you are too probably.

so don't start judging.

self respect is somewhere here.

i'm sure of it.

great urgency.

and sense of time.

it's all so fast.

strings of diamonds.

and glitter.

and color.

search the boxes.

for the past.

and dispose of it all.

well mostly.

what you keep is relevant.

have we just become too obsessed.

with comfort?

instead of actual matter.

i kinda feel maybe so.

it's so much work.

i dont know how you do it.

i should start anew.

maybe that will solve the issues.

i doubt it though.

all i need is some other problem.

not like you do either.

i think it will work out.

all of it.

well i would hope so.

at the least.

pleasure in the small things.

new postcards.

and small trinkets.

of the past.

options are in front.

pick your own.

tire pressure or is it tired of pressure?

texas air.

so much swirling around in it.

excitement.

and anger.

and a lot of other things.

i hate that we do this.

and that you expect it of me.

you really do pressure me.

its not your fault.

i do it to myself.

and your not as bad as the others.

i've lied.

and cheated.

and stole.

and you know nothing of it.

straight to your face.

and you need an introduction.

although i need to find the person first.

new plants.

and new water.

and new life.

your going to be my lifetime heart.

beating against...

everything.

no dnaeil, im not writing a blog.

all day long.

although i could.

if i wanted to.

pry the window open.

and slide on in.

no one is going to catch you.

what would you do?

let it slip through the cracks?

or would you tighten your grip?

i guess i found my answer.

oh yeah, i remember those days.

they were far far away.

and this is like a repeat.

of all the same.

i love the power.

im addicted to the roar.

and the motion.

you are my pink bag.

my running engine.

i think ive had a little too much b52s.

lighten the hair.

and leave the excess behind.

little pink polka dots.

why am i obsessed?

oh, laundry.

yes yes.

so the story is.

home again.

and things are the same.

but not.

because it will just not be.

i care far too much.

probably.

for this type of thing.

just an old fashioned kinda girl.

in a messed up world.

wait! oh yes, mars. "I'm from Mars."

changing spaces.

like rooms.

and pillows.

can't decide.

this way or that.

i can't even choose a color.

let alone a personality.

dreary plane rides.

and cold weather.

thank you for not placing me.

tunes stuck in my head.

always.

i am thankful.

but not necessarily to the one i "should" be.

let's eat.

do you want some more potato salad?

or just my biting questions?

new fountain.

i wish it had been here forever.

left.

right.

when did this road change?

i'm acting like a sybil.

or so im told.

excited about the whole thing.

cleaning up.

and clearing out.

yet again.

things must go.

the clutter is just a killer.

i must minimize.

it really does suck out your energy.

i love the boxes.

and the books.

and all thats there.

but it would serve better.

elsewhere i believe.

maybe you would like it.

take part now.

thank you for the song and dance.

i have yet to see the main attraction.

quote of the day "be good or be good at it"

love it.

swirl around lady.

and plop on the couch.

it's so good to talk to you again.

it's like home.

but you can never really go back there.

it's rediscovery.

of it in other places.

waiting for packages still.

and slow little yawns.

i should go.

lots to do.

and so little little time.

"at the funplex"

oh my.

what a surprise.

you are a disappointment.

weird words.

and dangerous commentary.

what are you doing?

pack.

and unpack.

it's my way to be organized.

lists.

and energy to the extreme.

its not really all that good.

apparently.

burn it off.

in every way.

mocha scent.

and container store.

i just can't contain myself.

when did they come up with all this useless crap?

and why do i want it so much?

no. minimize.

focus.

transparent leaves.

and natural tone.

thunderstorm.

how lovely.

i can't wait to be home.

although it has me up in nerves.

as per usual.

plans galore.

and memorize the images again.

they've invaded your happy space.

goodbye's are no good.

and long awaited destiny turned.

it seems so slow now.

so meaningless.

existentially defunct.

hanging tides.

beach dreams.

i want to be in the warm sand.

black umbrellas.

and tiny raindrops will have to do.

salvaging material.

its all part of the process.

flirtacious evenings.

and drinks of cool crisp deliciousness.

i can not wait see you.

it doesn't make me nervous that i can't say no.

it makes me nervous that i want to say yes.

must get something done.

pink polka dots and lime green shirts.

they didn't make themselves you know.

it's nice to see the familiar.

but it's not even touching me anymore.

for the rest of your life.

taxi furry.

and unwanted alarms.

scurrying about in robes and suits.

it's funny how your life works.

i've been meaning to do this for some time.

an improvement of self.

i hope.

lists.

and calendars.

my dream world is excellent.

except that one night.

it's like all my wishes do come true.

realistically which would never happen here.

but thats kind of nice.

fish fish fish.

i don't know what your looking for.

shopping outings.

because i just can't get enough you know.

search for a deal.

i always manage to find them.

attack of panic.

yet again.

this is getting worrisome.

not to mention tiring.

new things to come.

i have surprises in store.

they are more for me.

than you.

i hope.

i wish you could be here.

and enjoy the day.

it's beautiful.

cramped rooms.

and fluttering eyes.

i can't listen to save my life.

but i love you.

pack up your life.

like a game of tetris.

so much junk.

and accumulation.

it's amazing organization.

i will miss this.

but i'm ready for something new.

something bolder and light.

all at once.

i should probably study some more.

i'm just blogging.

it's not anything significant.

don't worry about it.

oh, time to go.

it's revolution.

daily cafe.

what do you want?

i really dont know.

it's been a while.

shopping trips.

and heart to hearts.

this sounds similar.

photography.

and simple light.

glass shapes.

amuse.

and confuse the contortion.

talking more.

and no, i don't need to calm down.

thank you though.

moving on.

hah kind of.

gu day.

don't follow their orders.

fall asleep on the lawn.

curl up.

large heavy drinks.

this is what they were talking about.

hemingway that is.

blue popsicles.

and glue work.

water guns.

and running around.

listening to hendrix and hanson.

it's an odd mix i know.

smoke life.

light me.

and make sure to throw it away.

bubble fun.

rave of sorts.

jumping up and down.

and connect again.

or maybe for the first time.

don't ridicule me.

and stop with this ridiculous front.

i'm too tired to actually deal with it.

although i would have.

were this years ago.

90s inspiration do's.

shop out.

oh yes. indeed.

stalking sightings.

jumping around.

in nothing but undergarments.

don't castigate.

orgulloso.

so many things to wish.

but things won't change overnight.

i wish you were here though.

and we had the perfect understanding.

because i keep falling off the bed.

and you aren't there to catch me.

maybe you are wrong.

i'm all so confused.

rushed decisions.

and questions answered.

hotel loveliness.

mirrored walls.

and red throws.

please let me relax.

in the crystal room.

it's only the beginning.

oh yes.

quote me.

you can't say that i'm not completely open.

and expressive.

your fed up.

i know.

i would be too if i dealt with me.

so heres the good news.

the resolutions.

the days of passing.

the essence will remain.

detoxify the negative.

emerge yourself in positive energies.

you think it's just bullshit.

but i don't.

i can't.

there is only one thing for me to do.

and that is quite clear.

so i shall say.

figure our your situations.

if they aren't working then let them go.

but realize how much they were worth.

be proud of your morality.

don't be intimidated.

its not a weakness on your part.

it just happens to be a belief.

say what you mean.

immerse yourself in what you love.

and the ones around you.

relax and smile and be free.

don't pretend your fine.

when your not.

it's not fair to you.

focus.

and don't deter.

recognize the ability and the strengths.

and the weaknesses.

stand up and speak up.

connect with the world.

and not in the superficial way we do.

expectations. do they lead to disappointment?

always?

good people.

bad people.

i don't really know which are which anymore.

its a conservative turning of stone.

a reason to justify what i mean.

and say what arises.

worth is relative.

you do not carry negative weight.

truelife:i'm rebecca

i forgot all the good things.

because there is a silver line somewhere.

im not really sure why silver.

morning travel work.

and disconnect.

fun.

lets go out.

and shop.

sparkly leaves.

they match the other.

i'll take it.

brunch.

and calories galore.

but so deliciously good.

and probably not kosher.

talk.

of everything.

the everyday.

i'm glad i'm talking to someone.

cupcake time.

i dig the paintings.

and the cupcake of doom.

where to go next.

let's head to the closet.

and stare.

at the possibilities.

of expression.

this has become frivolous.

out again.

enjoy the company.

and the rhetoric.

although lets face it.

i interpret it all differently.

there's no refuting that.

political severity.

and difference in opinion.

plate of deliciousness.

thank you.

for all.

thunder mornings.

it's beautiful.

a great sign.

mesh of shape.

and an unexpected calling upon.

you just manage to push it.

and i still am ridden.

mistrusted intention.

why is this happening?

lists of to do's.

a major one this time.

it's all quite simple really.

you don't want to be in this head.

it's far too complicated up there.

the reds and the blues are connected incorrectly.

open your eyes.

and look at your space.

more lists.

but this of aspirations and importance.

a life boundless.

enough with pursuing.

especially that which i do not care for.

let's be honest.

you are not it.

edit. an hour later.

uncensor.

and just unleash what you mean to say.

i don't belong here.

in the sense of the place.

it's not undeserved.

just not right at the time.

but i've felt like this quite a bit.

everywhere i am.

insecurity and intimidation.

i got over it. and that is whats strong.

this is still weak.

i'm not jealous of you. or them.

i like my alone space.

and my close friends.

and that my family and home are closest.

to my heart.

so no.

i will find what i want eventually.

but for you to think that its what you have.

is wrong.

count and count and count.

until the number gets too low.

i really could use a better person.

as a friend than you.

but i probably could be better too.

i'm not gonna lie.

lets be honest

you disapprove.

you are kinda disappointed.

or maybe you just aren't at all.

i really try not to care.

i don't have my own identity here.

do i really anywhere?

all i can think about.

it really shouldn't be like this after so long.

i will make it up somehow.

i have thoughts.

of options which i dont wish to be explored.

its just the feeling.

the situation that i yearn for.

and yet the other that i dread the most.

anticipation is a trap.

and i just wish i could get it over with.

and just have the life already.

there is so much inside.

that i will never tell you.

because you won't agree.

you just won't understand.

and you don't get it. obviously.

do i wish you would though?

i'm really not all that sure.

you make me feel uneasy.

we are not great friends.

were we ever?

when did this all occur?

i need some time away.

just to stop listening to the whirlwind.

of words and color.

we have such different backgrounds.

and thoughts.

and beliefs.

and values.

and i dont see how they mesh.

but im not discounting you for it.

but then again i am.

so good.

we are in agreement.

i really should just stop this neuroticism.

its not doing me any good.

i hope one day it actually will.

Being There.

okay,

theres certainly a lot i could say.

about the week.

its mostly just chatter.

and id rather show some focus.

for once.

although it probably won't happen.

long days.

i can't even remember.

children everywhere.

flowers abloom.

i just want to press them.

and send you a book.

but i can't bring myself to it.

tension.

not only within.

it's all around.

let's face it.

and just when you say.

what more could go wrong?

there it goes.

comforting space.

not so much anymore.

it feels like those first weeks.

no one and nothing.

its just not present.

and neither am i really.

dramatic lights.

and blatant sexuality.

duh thats the one.

how stupid do you really think i am.

90s greatness.

why am i so obsessed with the decade.

i should be like in the 50s.

with my aprons and pot roast.

or a hippie child.

i wonder if i would have approved then.

dreams of the underground.

which is probably around the corner.

your life is impossible for me.

automatic response to everything.

fine is really not what i think it means.

break down.

crack your egg again.

at least it wasn't that bad this time.

embarrassing comfort.

and frustrated tears.

i just don't really know.

peaceful fountain.

which only reminds me of water parks.

and fiesta texas days.

but thats not even really around anymore.

hours of reading.

and understanding theres someone out there.

its true. there is.

relay.

its a good thing.

i can build a tent better than you.

well maybe.

ive never seen you in a tent not even in my mind.

the scent drives me crazy.

it only reminds me of these recurring memories.

why am i so tuned like this?

i dont think its fair.

flip over.

and just leave.

you understand i know you do.

or at least i tell myself that.

i really wish i could tell you the truth.

all of it.

but i dont think i can bring myself to say it.

lists upon lists.

words compounded like theres no tomorrow.

i can't wait to see you again.

i don't know that person.

i've never met her before.

sad. mad. dad. lad. pad. fad. gad. had. the list goes on.

how pathetic.

all i want is a white cylinder.

of smoke filled disgust.

my life is like the arrows.

you can't not enter, and turn right, and go diagonal all at the same point.

its just not possible.